Posts Tagged ‘dew’

Magical Mystery Caffeine

April 13, 2011

by Thomas M. Pender

I’ve often bragged that I’m addicted to absolutely nothing, except my children.  Without giving illegal or dangerous addictions even the respect of a mention, I’ve actually evaded the all-American addiction of caffeine.

This has a good news/bad news effect.  I like the fact that I am not in need of caffeine, and that I can drink as much or as little as I want without any unwanted side effects.  I don’t like the fact that when I do need something in my system to keep me alert, I have nothing to turn to.

I knew once I graduated from college that I would never touch coffee.  I’ve heard that most people start drinking the sludge either in the military or in college, and all for the purpose of staying awake.  Personally, I believe I’m immune to caffeine’s electricity.  On the few desperate occasions that I’ve downed Mountain Dew after Mountain Dew in an effort to stay awake, I’ve never been rewarded with any kind of energy boost.  I can send two liters of Coca-Cola down my gullet, and crawl into bed for a long night’s nap.  While in college in the ‘80s, Jolt Cola was introduced, and I have to believe that college campus sales alone kept the company afloat.

Jolt was basically a gag product.  It said right on the label “All of the sugar and twice the caffeine!”  It was as if the marketing team behind it was laughing at the American consumer, saying, “Go ahead, we dare you.  Buy this in public, so everyone will know that you are a junkie.”  Yet, it sold like spiked hotcakes.

Not like my friends.  Their good news is that the crud is waiting for them every morning, whether at work or home (or on every street corner now!).  Their bad news is that they cannot function without it (and are, thus, addicts).  I know several human beings who advise others not even to say “hello” to them until they’ve had one entire coffee and about 20 minutes for it to work its alchemy on their nerve endings and vocal chords.  It’s rather sad.

Unless you’re me.  Then, it’s rather humorous!  (Insert evil echoey laugh here.)