Ten Wishes for Christmas 2010

by Thomas M. Pender

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10.)      A GPS system that actually keeps up with my progress, effectively eliminating the need to utter the phrase “Make the next legal U-turn.”

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9.)        An exercise regimen that follows my personal credo “No pain . . . NO PAIN!” and a diet that consists of nothing but all-I-can-eat buffets.

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8.)        A forced Saturn recall of the Ions in which the power steering just stopped working.  (Thanks, guys!)

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7.)        The ability to wipe out bad credit . . . or at least wipe out those who know about it!

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6.)        A Samoyed puppy, especially if it can use the toilet and answer the phone.

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5.)        Large, flat televisions that hang up on your wall, and some method by which we can record all the programs we would normally miss! . . . Oh, wait . . .

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4.)        A worldwide adjustment to the female human psyche, whereby lazy chubby nerds are deemed the most desirable men on the planet.  (This is not entirely selfish.  I know several people who would appreciate this!)

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3.)        Eternal youth for the original cast members of Star Trek and Firefly, plus ongoing television episodes and big-screen adventures.  (This probably proves my point on #4, huh?)

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2.)        A doctor’s note, explaining that I have Tourette syndrome  (I don’t actually have Tourette syndrome, but wouldn’t it be great to have a free pass in your wallet, giving you the right to blurt out how you feel about anything or anyone at any given time?)

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1.)        The safe and immediate return of every American soldier.  No joke.